1. Nag her to call in. She hasn’t seemed to connect the idea that she cares for SICK PEOPLE with the idea that it’s bad to do that when she IS a SICK PEOPLE.
2. Enjoy nagging her. It’s your only opportunity to do that.
3. Make her repeat everything she wants. Two reasons: 1) it is really annoying to her, and 2) she says everything wrong the first time, anyway. It’s really funny. When she’s running hot, the brain doesn’t connect names of things very well. Or, maybe, she really doesn’t know the name of anything in the first place. In any event, never rely on her first description of anything, from bottles of drugs to locations for the thermometer. And the TV remote. And her glass of water. And any thing else that’s now on her “Go Get Me…” list.
My little paid professional, when she graduated with her RN from the LA County School of Nursing. 1980.
4. Avoid her as much as possible. Clearly, she’s infectious. Ewwww.
5. While avoiding her, work in the garage woodshop and make a lot of noise. It’s best if she isn’t comfortable being sick. That’s just for her own good.
6. When you inevitably get sick, don’t allow her to care for you in any way. She won’t, anyway, because she always expects to be paid to care for sick people. Since you can’t afford her daily rate, just suffer. Publicly. Maybe you’ll get some sympathy, eventually. If not, at least you still haven’t had to pay her for medical care.
7. Don’t tell other people she is sick. After all, since she is a paid professional, this could serve to undermine her professional reputation.
8. Don’t do her household chores. If you do it and make it look so easy to keep up, it’ll be your job next week. She’s still making fun of your cooking after 15 years … so don’t go there.
In case you’re wondering, the flu bug has bitten Velda this week. She’s tried to hack up a lung, and nearly succeeded yesterday. Yes, she had her flu shot, and no, it did nothing good this year. Oh well. She got new drugs yesterday; I’m sure she’ll be better in a day or two. If I’m lucky, she’ll never see this top secret plan I have to, uh, care for her.
