I’m an expert on dating. Don’t believe me? Let me share what has made me an expert:
- While I was single, I went on about two dozen dates. That’s right, me, more than 20 dates!
- I have dated girls from two different states.
- I have dated girls in two different cities.
- I have been on dates that included food and movies. Both! Two activities, one date. Is it any wonder that Velda accepted my proposal so quickly?
See, I’ve been there and done that. And with cred like that, you know that I can help all of the lost souls out there that are staring at the Mount Olympus of dating in just 21 days.
Gentlemen, let me help you.
13 Tips for a Great Valentine’s Day Date
- You’ll need to decide who you want to stare at over a chocolate dessert. Don’t worry about her looks: it’ll be dark. Do worry if she’s a criminal or lives with criminals. Choose someone who doesn’t need deprogramming.
- About that. Get a reservation at a dark place. Darkness is your friend. What, you think she wants to look at you?
- Don’t be an idiot. Don’t wait. Ask her nicely. In person. Do not text. Do not call. Ask. In. Person. Do not sing a song for your invitation, and don’t sing a song of thanks when she says yes. In fact, don’t sing. Don’t dance, either. Just avoid the arts, except for the lively art of conversation when you Ask. In. Person.
- A few days in advance, talk about what she’s wearing. Tell her you want to match. Give her approval over what you’re wearing. Big cred here. Don’t doubt me … look at the vintage dating photo of Velda and I. We were already engaged here … but look at how complementary our outfits are. Look at her dress. My suit. My tie. My shoes. Back in ’76, I knew how to show big style to my lady.
- Do you have a reservation yet? You’re not taking a lady to Taco Bell, dude. Go big, or stay home. (ed. note: the blog editor tells me that the word “lady” is biased gender language. Yes. Yes it is. I have a bias towards ladies. Thanks for noticing.)
- Ditch the 7-11 roses & Wal-mart candy. You need to up your game. Bring her a potted plant. Bring her a kitchen appliance. Perhaps an emergency automobile kit. Be memorable.
- Wash your car. Dump the empty beer cans in the back seat. In fact, if you can borrow a car better than yours, do it. Nothing impresses a lady more than a guy that has friends or family with better cars that are available to him on demand.
- Call on your lady at her front door. Do not sit in the car and honk unless the lady lives behind pit bulls and a shotgun wielding Uncle. And if that’s true … you failed at # 1.
- If you are greeted by a roommate, parent, or sibling, be polite. Say “Good Evening. I’m here to see … (insert ‘first name’ if you are on that familiar of a basis, otherwise, it’s ‘Miss last name’).” If you are speaking to an elder, use “sir” and “ma’am.” Always. Bowing is optional. Decline any offer of water or other refreshment – it would just delay your exit. Your lady wouldn’t want to be around these people any more than you do.
- Open the car door for your lady. In fact, open every door for her. And don’t first clean the door knobs with an anti-bacterial wipe. You’re manly enough that your touch will kill those germs that delicate ladies must be shielded from.
- Lots of idiots out there on V Day. Leave plenty of time to get to the restaurant. Expect to wait. Expect to stand in line. Unless you’re paying a ridiculous amount of money to go to an incredibly expensive restaurant, you’re going to wait. Oh, and at expensive restaurants, you’ll wait even more.
- Put your electronics away. Turn the phone OFF. You only have eyes for her. What kind of a person looks at their phone during dinner, anyway? Geez. And if she looks at her phone … see # 13.
- You’ll need to have cocktail chatter. Prepare. Here are some places to go to load up so you can impress with your knowledge and wit (these will impress your young & beautiful miss):
- MentalFloss.com: great water cooler chatter, delivered to your in box daily.
- The Art of Manliness: You’re a manly man, and this site helps you know why. But don’t talk about sports or testosterone.
- TheBlaze.com: Be topical – discuss gun control. Ladies love a man that likes to shoot things that annoy.
- Ten Best Conspiracy Theories: Chicks dig paranoia.
- Facebook: read all of those memes for material. Seriously, they are great humor, because everyone posts them. Love me some memes.
The next day, send a bouquet of 3 dozen yellow roses to where she works. The card should say “Unforgettable. (your first name).”
That way, she’ll remember your first name, at least.